


dear evan hansen: group chat

by foundinghamilton



Category: Broadway - Fandom, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Musicals - Fandom
Genre: Group chat, I don't know where this is gonna go or how or even if it will but we'll see, Just stick with it, Multi, if you haven't read it, inspiration from dear evan hansen 2, read it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-09-28 05:17:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10073750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foundinghamilton/pseuds/foundinghamilton
Summary: this is gonna be one ball of shitposting. 98% of this will also be written at 2am. enjoy it.





	1. yolo, who says that?

ha jokes on you ;) this is gonna be a mess

i got inspired at 2 am to write this, called my friend and ranted about Jared Kleinman and the dear evan hansen 2 fic and bam i started writing.

i hope you enjoy 

no promises this is gonna actually stay true to the plot but ill try,


	2. jared is one big dick joke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry,  
> pst follow my Hamilton and DEH fan account @foundinghamilton  
> also if you want to contact me (don't see why you would need to but) DM @foundingspam because im on there all the time  
> im probably gonna make everyone gay but I'm not sure yet  
> comments are dearly loved

you have been added to a group chat with two other: connor murphy, jared kleinman

jared says fuckyou: what's up bitches

the tree expert™: jared your username isn't nice 

jared says fuckyou evan: better?

jared renamed the chat: reinvention 

the tree expert™: im?

jared says fuckyou: all that it takes 

there was no milk to begin with: why am I in this? 

jared says fuckyou: because we LOVE you connor and you're our FRIEND also change your username it's too long and ruining my aesthetic

there was no milk to begin with: hey jared?

jared says fuckyou: yes? 

connor says fuckyou jared: better?

i feel attacked: well

the tree expert™: can we please stop with the usernames and try to get along. wait, what even was the real reason of this chat Jared?

jared says fuckyou: because we are FRIENDS normal FRIENDS and this is what FRIENDS do 

milk stealer: he's trying to get us together 

the tree expert™: ???? jared 

jared says fuckyou: im hurt why would you accuse me of such a thing ;) 

milk stealer: exhibit a: ;)

jared says fuckyou: you are gay stop denying it 

milk stealer: or maybe he's trying to seduce you evan 

jared says fuckyou: that. is. a. lie.

milk stealer: why deny it hmmm does jared have a little crush on evan hmmmm

jared says fuckyou: highfuckface shut it

the tree expert: ladies please no need to fight over me 

jared says fuckyou: fuckin shut it lorax 

the tree expert: the trees said that was rude

milk stealer: meaning evan is to polite to say the trees say fuck you, evan I don't think that offends him considering he wants to ;)

jared says fuckyou has left the conversation


	3. lorax ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i don't know what im writing anymore  
> (im thirsty for friends pls follow @foundingspam)

evan hansen added jared kleinman

the tree expert™: guys 

jared says fuckyou: yes

milk stealer: what

the tree expert: i saw a really cool tree im gonna climb it 

jared says fuckyou: evaN NO

milk stealer: shoot for your dreams bub

jared says fuckyou: CONNOR YOURE NOT HELPING 

milk stealer: protect your precious boy toy jared

jared says fuckyou: 1.connor fuck you 2.evan you literally just got out of a cast, does your arm even work at a functioning speed?

the tree expert™: it doesn't need to if i believe in my abilities to climb the tree

jared says fuckyou: THEN DONT BELIEVE IN YOUR ABILITIES BECAUSE YOU CANT

the tree expert™: are you doubting me? because im hurt 

jared says fuckyou: climb the tree evan go for your dreams 

connor murphy added alana beck 

feminist: why am i here

milk stealer: we're gathering support for evans tree climbing expedition. 

feminist: evan youre a fucking idiot 

the tree expert™: does that mean you support my idea? 

alana beck has added zoe murphy

goddess of jeans: why

milk stealer: ew

goddess of jeans: so you admit to finishing the milk 

feminist: THATS NOT WHY YOURE HERE 

jared says fuckyou: let evan follow his dreams of becoming a bird, he's already halfway there.

goddess of jeans: what does evan want to do now 

feminist: climb a tree 

goddess of jeans: go for it

the tree expert™: since when was zoe in this conversation :)))

jared says fuckyou: don't get confused by your questioning sexuality you were climbing a tree that's what your were doing.

the tree expert™: what's the worst that could happen

feminist: well you could fall

milk stealer: or you could let go

literally everyone: CONNOR


	4. lauren got obsessed with newsies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> please talk to me @foundingspam  
> i need ideas 
> 
> also i need people to talk about newsies

im breaking the forth wall with this one ;) 

jared says fuckyou: look at me 

milk stealer: why would i do that willingly 

jared says fuckyou: im the king of new york 

feminist: were not even in new york?

jared says fuckyou: all you ever do is doubt me, im gonna aggressively tap dance right out of this friendship 

milk stealer: the actor who plays me loves to tap dance, it's his favorite kind 

feminist: connor are you high?

goddess of jeans: he's definitely high 

milk stealer: fuck you

goddess of jeans: fuck you

the tree expert™: huh déjà vu 

jared says fuckyou: #justicefortommy

goddess of jeans: who the fuck is tommy

the tree expert™: your family swears to much 

goddess of jeans: we just want to rebel within the tight constraints of our rich suburban family life

jared says fuckyou: there are literally no restraints, connors high in the sky right connor 

milk stealer: lettuce seize the gay 

goddess of jeans: he's probably not even high he just is like this 

evan hansen changed the group chat name: the murphy family needs therapy

milk stealer: truth 

goddess of jeans: rude

jared kleinman added cynthia murphy and larry murphy 

dad: who is a phone 

cythinaaaah: what 

jared says fuckyou: HELLO MURPHYS

dad: Jared I don't like your username 

jared love you: apologizes

goddess of jeans: JARED WHAT THE frick 

milk stealer: therapy

cynthiaaah: what is this im not leaving until i get answered 

feminist: hi mr and mrs murphy

dad: hello evan 

goddess of jeans: dad that's not evan 

dad: but it says feminist? 

goddess of jeans: jared, i hate you

cynthiaaah: zoe that wasn't nice 

larry murphy has left the chat 

cynthia murphy has left the chat 

the tree expert™: huh what ????¿??

goddess of jeans: i took their phones, jared i hate you so fucking much right now 

milk stealer: therapy 

jared says fuck you: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	5. i don't like this chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this isn't a good chapter sorry

feminist: is it illegal to kick a teacher in the nuts 

jared says fuckyou: no go for it 

goddess of jeans: jARED SHE ACTUALLY WILL DONT ENCOURAGE IT alana why

feminist: because coach c gave me a 97 i deserve better 

jared says fuckyou: i got a 47 on my last test 

feminist: that's because instead of studying you illegally climb water towers and watch porn.

jared says fuckyou: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 

goddess of jeans: you act like you live in a highschool movie

jared says fuckyou: more like a musical 

feminist: BACK TO MY QUESTIONABLE ACTIONS, how many detentions would I get 

jared says fuckyou: 10 

feminist: how would you know?

jared says fuckyou: ive done it 

the tree expert™: of course you have 

jared says fuckyou: no one needs you here a van 

the tree expert™: https://youtu.be/E879PGlGwPg

jared says fuckyou: i don't wanna click that 

goddess of jeans: it's a link to the song that's not my name 

jared says fuckyou: evan you fuck 

the tree expert™: who?

jared says fuckyou: connor

the tree expert™: ill take it i set myself up for it 

jared says fuckyou: where is connor anyways he's being too quiet 

goddess of jeans: he got detention, he was doing his english homework in drama

feminist: hOw cAN yOu NoT pAy AtTEnTioN iN dRaMa?? MiSs S iS a BLesSinG 

jared says fuckyou: the tech crew is stupid 

feminist: YOU ONLY SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE ON IT BUT YOU REFUSE TO BECAUSE YOU DONT WANNA LOSE THE LITTLE "STREET CRED" YOU HAVE

goddess of jeans: what are you talking about, jared has none to lose, he just doesn't like miss s 

feminist: that bothers me 

jared says fuckyou: you know what bothers me 

goddess of jeans: oh god

jared says fuckyou: naturally occurring bodies of water 

the tree expert™: i give up

feminist: THAT IS IT IM ACTUALLY GOING TO SCREAM IN COACH Cs FACE AND SEE HOW HE FUCKING LIKES IT

jared says fuckyou: why do I have a feeling i know what's about to happen

the tree expert™: me too ?

milk stealer: how did alana get a detention?


	6. mimi marquez is angelica schuyler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow

milk stealer: im gonna become a stripper to pay for college

feminist: connor your parents are filthy rich 

milk stealer: stop exposing the fact that I just want to be a stripper 

feminist: well you just did so congrats you played yourself 

milk stealer: i just want to go out tonight is that too much to ask 

jared says fuckyou: when the spanish babies cry it is, take your fucking azt emo 

milk stealer: this isn't a 1990s musical about aids this is 2017 and it's all about depression and dictatorship 

goddess of jeans: aids 

jared says fuckyou: this author is running out of ideas quickly 

goddess of jeans: miss s called me out in drama for being too sexual 

jared says fuckyou: if anyone in the murphy family was going to become a stripper we all know who it would be 

goddess of jeans: me 

milk stealer: me 

jared says fuckyou: larry 

everyone: what the fuck jared 

the tree expert™: guys come on it's jared, he's flicked off a duck before 

jared says fuckyou: he was on my turf pooping and stealing my bread 

feminist: jean valjean

milk stealer: 24601

jared says fuckyou: 246 the fuck 

milk stealer: our dad is already a stripper i mean how do you guys think we got rich 

the tree expert™: hard work? angelica?

feminist: GAY BARS 

jared says fuckyou: who's angelica 

the tree expert™: peggy

goddess of jeans: clad only in bubble wrap angelica will perform her famous lawn chair handcuff dance to the sounds of ice tea being stirred

milk stealer: hot

jared says fuckyou: i bet evan is a stripper

goddess of jeans: its always the quiet unsuspecting ones that make the most

the tree expert™: i can't even change infront of other people 

milk stealer: except me right babe

literally everyone: CONNOR


	7. this chapter is shitty and i love batb

jared says fuck you: lefou is gay and his boyfriend is under appreciated im funding the spinoff 

milk stealer: jared what the fuck it's 2 am 

jared says fuck you: NO ONES AS LAME AS CONNOR NO ONE MAKES THEIR FRIENDS FEEL LIKE SHIT OVER THEIR OBSESSIONS AT 2 AM LIKE CONNOR 

feminist: for the past week all you have talk about is how badly gaston treated lefou 

jared says fuck you: BECAUSE HE DESERVED BETTER 

the tree expert™: this author is running out of ideas 

feminist: miss s didn't like the movie 

jared says fuck you: JUST ANOTHER REASON FOR ME TO HATE THE DRAMA DEPARTMENT 

goddess of jeans: oy vey

the tree expert™: wait why is everyone awake at 2am 

milk stealer: were highschoolers

the tree expert™: which means we need more sleep 

jared says fuck you: no we need to party and have fun and drink and fuck whatever whenever and shit like that

milk stealer: jared you are a virgin and have never been to a party ever in your life not even a birthday party 

jared says fuck you: i came out to have a good time and honestly im feel so attacked right now

goddess of jeans: just feel alright for the rest of your life 

feminist: im willing to bet everyone in this chat are virgins 

jared says fuck you: except for connor and evan 

the tree expert™: what? why us

jared says fuckyou: because remember when you and him walked in late and he announced "sorry I was doing stuff" and you came in disheveled?

the tree expert™: he pushed me down the stairs? 

milk stealer: good times 

jared says fuckyou: metaphors for getting down and dirty aye?

feminist: this book is already bordering on nsfw let's make it pg and funny again because the author is quickly running out of ideas and motivation to live 

goddess of jeans: connor broke the couch at his therapist yesterday

milk stealer: hey zoe, fUcK oFf :)

jared says fuckyou: obviously it was a metaphor for how the legs of connors mental state are deteriorating at a rapid pace

feminist: what is with and metaphors? augustus waters much?

feminist: only if evan is his hazel

the tree expert™: im sorry what

literally everyone except jared: alana is right

jared says fuckyou: im going to lush

actually everyone including cynthia and larry and heidi: JARED NO

feminist and the only logical one in this group: jared it's 3 am

jared says fuckyou: jared yes ;)


	8. a fish wrote this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> please comment and tell me if this is still funny because it's literally me laughing my ass off at two am bc I don't have a fucking clue what I'm writing

the tree expert™: ללא שם: מזל להיות גברת הלילה  
ללא שם: מזל להיות גברת הלילה  
ללא שם: מזל אם אתה כבר גברת מלכתחילה  
ללא שם: מזל להיות גברת הלילה

feminist: evan what the fuck

milk stealer: what language even is that?

goddess of jeans: hebrew dumbass 

jared says fuckyou: the actor that plays evan is jewish and was cast as sky masterson at jewish camp

heidi hansen has added herself to the conversation 

feminist: hi miss hansen

make me a change.org petition i deserve better: evan im your mother there's no need to call me that?

goddess of jeans: miss hansen that's alana not evan 

make me a change.org petition i deserve better: oh thank you connor 

the tree expert™: mom, 1) that's not connor that's zoe 2) why are you here 

make me change.org petition i deserve better: gosh you kids who do you have to have such confusing usernames 

the tree expert™: mom your username actually has a URL in it

make me a change.org petition i deserve better: evan i bought you a fish 

heidi hansen has left the conversation

the tree expert™: how am i suppose to take care of a FISH when i can't even keep myself from falling out of trees???

everyone because apparently everyone loves to remind evan of this: FROM LETTING GO OF TREES 

evan hansen has left the conversation 

milk stealer: sneeze the gay 

jared kleinman has added evan hansen to the conversation 

the tree expert™: bless you 

feminist: BACK TO THE FISH 

jared says fuckyou: since we know evans thinking this but won't say it, why the fuck would my mom buy me a fish? well evan you see she feels bad about leaving you all the time and she doesn't want you to spend your time on,,,,,, other,,,,, activities

the tree expert™: I DIDN'T BREAK MY ARM THAT WAY JARED 

jared says fuckyou: falling out of a tree? really acorn hansen

feminist: once again back to the fish 

heidi hansen has added herself to the conversation

look i bought my son a fish im a good mom: goldfish.jpeg

heidi hansen has left the conversation 

the tree expert™: ITS SO CUTE I LOVE IT 

jared says fuckyou: yea just make sure you put a towel over the bowl when connor comes over im sure the poor fish doesn't wanna see that 

milk stealer: what is with your odd fascinating with us?

goddess of jeans: because he wants to be you, connor

jared says fuckyou: false statement from miss murphy, i am fascinating by your relationship because we all are in one big musical about evan and connor and i am the stock character that loves to play video games and joke about masturbation

feminist: back to the fish 

milk stealer: evan can we go to petsmart on Tuesday after school and buy accessories for the fishy

goddess of jeans: who are you and where the fuck is connor 

jared says fuckyou: at the bottom of a lake once again fuck you naturally occurring bodies of water 

feminist: back to the fish

milk stealer: the fish deserves a good life with many accessories 

the tree expert™: we should name him 

goddess of jeans: how do you know it's a boy did you just assume your fishes gender wow you're sick hansen 

the tree expert™: i didn't mean it like that sorry just mom didn't tell me the gender so i just supposed im sorry 

jared says fuckyou: jeez this kid can't go two seconds without apologizing 

milk stealer: on behalf of evan, fuck you

jared says fuckyou: oh really?

feminist: back to the fish

goddess of jeans: names....go

milk stealer: donald trump because he's orange 

the tree expert™: let's assume the fish isn't an asshole 

goddess of jeans: EVAN CURSED 

jared says fuckyou: wait for it 

the tree expert™: sorry 

feminist: back to the fish 

jared says fuckyou: lets name it calvin kleinman, get it get it huh huh huh, I like that that's my new nickname 

goddess of jeans: what about Laura dryfish 

milk stealer: mike fish 

the tree expert™: ben splatt 

calvin kleinman: will radland 

feminist: no fuck u we're name it fishtolan lloyd


	9. everyone is high and this story is falling apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im seeing DEH on July 18th, if you live in NYC or if you're going to see it either July 18th @ 7 or July 19th @ 2 hmu on @foundinghamilton also this story is just getting worse

milk stealer: give me some bread 

the tree expert™: connor? connor murphy? but you're dead?

milk stealer: spoiler alert 

goddess of jeans: i fucking told you connor from the moment you started dating that poor boy. you. are. not. allowed. to. get. him. high. with. you.

milk stealer: bread 

the tree expert™: and Passover 

jared says fuckyou: my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i say im a holy catholic straight man who likes women and they all leave disappointed because they couldn't get me or my mikeshake

mike stealer: mikeshake?

jared says fuckyou: you know, mike faist 

milk stealer: what? 

goddess of jeans: connor did you get him high too?? 

milk stealer: no i just reinvented them

jared says fuckyou: a mikeshake is when mike faist shakes his body 

milk stealer: he's definitely high

feminist: 420 !1!!1!1!!!1!

goddess of jeans: what the fuck is alana high too? is everyone high? connor what did you dO?

jared says fuckyou: alana is not high Alana is just that friend that makes weed jokes all the time but when offered to smoke is utterly petrified

milk stealer: reinvention 

goddess of jeans: more like intervention 

jared says fuckyou: mikeshake 

milk stealer: i am mike faist 

everyone except jared because he's already too far beyond the fourth wall he's playing himself in the show (sorry will): who the fuck is mike faist 

jared says fuckyou: a tony award nominee

goddess of jeans: who the fuck is tony 

milk stealer: surprise zoe everyone but you is high

feminist: connor literally out of all of us you are the only one that's high

the tree expert™: yea

jared says fuckyou: yea

goddess of jeans: sean from chick fil a says fuck you 

milk stealer: well fuck you too bitch 

jared says fuckyou: MEME 

feminist: how's fishtolyn, evan?

the tree expert™: amazing

milk stealer: we bought her a big fish bowl and a rainbow bridge she's our daughter now 

jared says fuckyou: looks like evan and connor are skipping all the bases and going for a home run because they're already havin babies 

goddess of jeans: do you know anything about baseball jared 

michael park has added himself to the conversation 

connors dad: oh shit 

michael park has left the conversation 

milk stealer: what the fuck?

larry murphy has added himself to the conversation

dad: SHAVING CREAM RUBBERBANDS MATTRESS REPEAT FUCK YOU CONNOR FOR CRUSHING MY CLICHE DREAMS OF BEING A BASEBALL DAD 

larry murphy has well, like he just got up and threw his phone in a lake with the laptop from dear evan hansen 2 on ao3 (seriously go read it it's fucking hilarious)

milk stealer: did my dad just cuss me out?

goddess of jeans: what the fuck is wrong with our parents 

feminist: but the burning question, how are people just adding themselves to the conversation?????????????

the tree expert™: weed


	10. you won't get this unless you've listened to great comet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> listen to great comet it's fucking beautiful just like denée benton like is it possible to make me more gay than I already am, denée has proved that it is

goddess of jeans: in france they don't say "i love you" they say "le grand fromage" and i think that's wonderful 

the tree expert™: awe that's so sweet im gonna call my mom and tell her that 

jared says fuckyou: evan 

feminist: please 

milk stealer: don't 

the tree expert™: IT MEANS BIG CHEESE IN FRENCH WHAT THE HECK ZOE

goddess of jeans: you are a fool 

jared says fuckyou: oOOH SUCH A BURNNNNNNNN

feminist: im with jared rn working on an english project and I can confirm that he just threw his glasses across the room then stood up stared at them for a minute sat back down and said "i need those now shit" but he refused to get up and get them 

jared says fuckyou: do you have to put my laziness to the enTIRE GROUP AL

milk stealer: by the use of the nickname al i think more is happening then an english project 

feminist: connor,

jared says fuckyou: we are the only our gay people in this group chat 

goddess of jeans: (only "out" ones because i tend to hear some funny noises when evan comes over) 

jared says fuckyou: i can physically hear them blushing 

lucas steele has added himself to the chat 

anatoleisNOT: whOOoooOoOoOoOoooOooOoOoA 

dave malloy has added himself to the group chat 

radical space rock of old age: i apologize for his behavior 

lucas steele and dave malloy have left the conversation 

feminist: somehow someway connor has found a way to drug our phones 

milk stealer: ITS ALWAYS ME WHY NOT BLAME JEREMY HES THE ONE WITH A FUCKING SUPERCOMPUTER IN HIS HEAD WHO ACTUALLY HAS THE CAPABILITY TO HACK THE PHONE 

the tree expert™: who's Jeremy? 

jared says fuckyou: look you made your boyfriend jealous with your ramblings maybe we should the phone away we he gets high 

milk stealer: im about to grab a balloon and float the fuck out of this friendship because everyone likes to assume im a little hung up there

goddess of jeans: shut up Rhonda 

the tree expert™: here's to the health of this books author and their mental state

jared says fuckyou: smash your glasses on the floor 

feminist: that's DANGEROUS 

jared says fuckyou: guessilldiememe.jpeg

milk stealer: is no one going to ask questions about the two random people who joined our chat 

dave malloy has joined the chat 

radical space rock of old age: fuck you connor murphy

dave malloy has left the conversation 

the tree expert™: le grand fromage


End file.
